[Bula Matali]

A Bachelor's Guide to Kenyan Women

Kenyan women fall under one or more of these categories. Feel free to
post
the number or mix of numbers you think your female fb friends are, on
their
walls.

1) Alice the Alcoholic.

Most of her facebook statuses are about how she is going to get wasted,
got
wasted, or missed work coz she slept till midday on a Tuesday. Proudly
says
how she has a whisky ( this lot have long ago graduated to serious
drinks
not these ma-blackices) gin and tonic or tequila with her lunch. Buys
her
own drinks, has a nice job, 3 ton chip on her shoulder.

Chances of being a good wife or girlfriend...nil.

2) Betty the Bitter Single Mum.

At every table, in every bar or restaurant in this country, there is a
bitter single mum. She casually calls the father of her kid ' bastard'
and
has man issues that would make FIDAs most male bashing lawyer look like
a
geisha.

Men are dogs, she says. Then spends the rest of the night whining how
Kenyan
men are too insecure they cant date a single mum.

Date-ability depends on how bad her bitterness is.

3) Cathy the Cougar

She may be a jeisty Karen wife, or a shrubbing farmer from Nyeri, but
increasingly Kenya's dating scene is becoming the hunting ground for old
women with money to burn on young men.

Don’t be fooled. She only wants you for your body. You aren’t allowed to
shag
anyone else and must be at her beck and call. If at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday
she
calls you up and tells you to meet her...you move your fecking ass chap
chap.

Your mum would have a heart attack if she found out you are doing her.
Your
bank manager would have a heart attack if you stopped doing her.

If you manage to rock her world, she will ask you to marry her. Good
luck
having any respect in society.

4) Dorothy the Divorcee

Her ex-husband shagged anything in a skirt. Now she is in the market
earnestly trying to show him up.

Prefers more mature and working men.

Your future prospects depend on how much one man's trash can really be
another man's treasure.

5) Emma Evil

Mean, rude, stingy and unfortunately gorgeous as hell. Knows she is
beautiful and thinks that gives her carte blanche to do whatever she
likes.

Has no concept of guilt or remorse. You wouldn’t be surprised if you
found a
human skull and occult paraphernalia in her wardrobe.

6) Fifi the Freak

She certainly is very...ahem...popular. Goes home with a different guy
every
Friday and you know at least seven of your pals whom she has been with.

Boss, stay away from this chick, unless you don’t mind getting rashes in
personal places.

7) Gladys goody-two-shoes.

Every sentence has one of these words. " church, pastor, bible,
salvation,
sin, holy, no."

She is the girl with the ankle length skirts, bible in her handbag, who
wont
meet you in a bar coz it’s a sin, goes for prayer meetings every night
and
carries anointing oil with her.

Unless you are actually a committed Christian man looking for a wife,
stay
away from her or risk being struck by lightning.

8) Harriet the Hustler

We all know at least one chick like this. She is always on her phone,
talking
in machine-gun speed vernacular doing deals about plots, kukus or farm
produce.

Can sell you anything you want from a car to a tractor to an eigth in
rongai. Just give her five minutes and some airtime.

Annoying as girlfriends this lot make better wives, as long as you know
that
while cheating is forgivable, losing her money is not.

9)Immaculate, who is anything but immaculate.

Spent her early 20s living it up, being shagged by politicians and
musicians. Now in her late 20s/ early 30s she is turning a new leaf and
is
loojing for a husband.

She has changed all her friends, uses her middle name so that her former
identity doesn’t get discovered, joined a conservative church and is
practicing secondary virginity.

We all have a past, so if you are a mature and forgiving, understanding
man...date her. But most men are shallow hypocrites who run for the
hills
when they find out she was once sexetary to the cabinet.

10) Jane the Joker

28 years old. No job. No income. Lives with her parents. Didn’t finish
University, is always doing some weird short courses.

Has no drive but drives a souped up car. Thinks daddy will always be
there
to provide.

Wants a rich man to make her his housewife. Doesn’t cook, clean or talk
to
poor people.

11) Kate from Karen

Snobbery in designer jeans. Kate only mixes within 'her social class'.
Prefers twitter to facebook and tells you to your face that she rejected
your friend request " coz we just work together, i mean, it’s not like we
are
friends friends. But we can still do email."

Your car must be German, clothes Italian and she will not show up if
the
restaurant isn’t Japanese or Turkish. Has never been east of moi avenue.

Holidays in Bali while you holiday in Nyali.

Date her if you are old money. You may get away with being new money so
long
as its a lot of new money.

12) Laura Loud-Mouth

Gossips like a fishmonger's wife. Everything and anything you tell her
will
soon be public knowledge.

Has a loud annoying voice, loud annoying laugh and only an idiot would
date
her let alone marry her.

Has no real friends, loves being the centre of attention and
conversation.

Is a pathological liar.

13) Moody Molly

One minute she is all rainbows and butterflies the next she is a tsunami
of
anger and tears. Her extreme mood swings scare you and you instinctively
move
back slightly if she has a knife, even if it’s a bread knife in a
restaurant.

14) Nelly the clingy Nag

She calls you at 6 to say good morning. At 8 to find out if you got to
work
okay. Sends you three texts, writes on your wall and calls you twice
before
lunch,

She always wants to be with you and gives you annoying petnames.

Goes ballistic or naggy when you say you can’t see her.

15) Sally Shagzmodo

'Wow djon, ndhis is a ravry les-toe-lant.'

Hotter than a Somalia summer you try and ignore the mother tongue
interference, accent and weird perfume.

You focus on the hourglass figure, flawless skin and hope to heaven that
she
wont ask the maitre d if she can have some ugali rather than spaghetti
with
her meatballs.

16) Tanya Too-Good-To-Be-True

She cooks like a chef, has a hot figure, sharp mind and good sense of
humour.

She loves football and rugby, your boys like her, your family adores her
and
ever since you met her your life has been perfect.

Extensive background checks have revealed nothing untoward about her
past,
she comes from a good-normal family, is loving and will make a great
wife
and mother.

Run. This chick will sacrifice you to some idol somewhere in karura
forest.

17) Vivian the Virgin

After being in C.U. all thru high school and university, Vivian has
decided
she now wants to taste the forbidden fruit.

But only if you are going to marry her. As in, you have met her parents
and
started brideprice negotiations.

She talks about marriage on the first date.


18) Wendy the Wannabe

Wendy name drops, has fb pictures of her with famous people and is
constantly looking for the next celebrity event or club opening.

Within two minutes of meeting you she has already asked what you drive,
where you live and where you work.

If you answer you don’t have a car, live in eastlands and are tarmacking
she
will sneer, despite the fact that all three are true for her as well.

19) Yasmin

Yasmin is a Muslim. She may even wear a buibui. But when she comes over
to
your house she drinks alcohol and eats pork. No pun intended.

Okay, pun intended.

She won’t be seen with you in public and if her dad finds out an infidel
has
taken the fidelity of his daughter there will be a fatwa and jihad on
your
ass.

Marrying her means changing religions.

20) Zipporah Manzi wa Mtaa

Listens exclusively to genge, knows every matatu on their home route
down to
the specifications of the music system.

When you suggest watching Karate Kid at the cinema she tells you not to
waste 2k, you can get a dvd of it for 50 bob, buy some nyama and
napoleon
brandy and watch it at home.

You dont know whether to be happy or sad